The Eshet Hayil and the Edification of the Catholic Family

Maddonna of de la pace, Pinturicchio, 1490

I recently read a chapter from a book^[1] written by a Hebrew Catholic named Channah Bardan about a beautiful practice in both ancient and contemporary Judaism. Bardan describes the recitation of the eshet hayil, or “Woman of Valor” at the dinner table on Friday evening as part of welcoming the Sabbath. The eshet hayil is a short poem of praise that the husband recites over his wife in front of the children every week at the dinner table. It is taken from the famous final chapter of the Book of Proverbs (see Proverbs 31:10-31). Depending on how far back in Jewish tradition this practice goes, the eshet hayil recited by St. Joseph at the dinner table of the Holy Family may be one of the first instances of Marian devotion.

There is much that can be said here, but I would like to focus on two things. One is the role of the woman of valor in her community, and the second is the impact the weekly recitation of this praise could have on the children within the family, which we call the domestic church.

First, I am struck by the contrast of the image of the woman of valor in Proverbs 31 with the expectation of womanhood that is carried by some hyper-traditionalist environments within the Church. It can happen in these environments that women are expected to be a stay-at-home-mom who is blindly passive and acquiescent to the whims of her husband (who may or may not have the best intentions or leadership ability.) I am not saying that stay-at-home-motherhood is oppressive, outdated, or has no value. Motherhood is a full-time job. Period. Mothers who work essentially have two full-time jobs. One paid with an earthly salary, the other with a heavenly reward. But I think the working assumption of this model is that the man is leading a holy and cruciform life, in such a way that the wife is therefore cared for completely and has all her needs met. Sometimes it just isn’t the case that the man is perfectly cruciform in his love for his wife. And even if he was, I think Proverbs 31 shows us that there is more room for the feminine genius to flourish within a Catholic household and a larger community in general. It is important therefore, to note that God put man and woman in the garden together to “work and keep it” (Gen 2:15). The Bible reveals to us that men and women alike are built by God to find meaning in generating value in the world through work. Proverbs 31:10-31 gives us a portrait of a woman who is diligent (v. 13-14, 19, 27), takes initiative (vv. 15-16), is intelligent and thoughtful (v. 18), generous and courageous (vv. 20-21), strong and noble (v. 25), and teaches others with wisdom (v.26). She is no passive figure. She finds meaning in generating value in and outside the home. We can see in the eshet hayil an archetype of the virtuous businesswoman, educator, religious sister, physician, therapist, nurse, project manager, or entrepreneur. The Scriptural seed for what Pope St. John Paul II would call the “feminine genius,”^[2] can be found in this beautiful poem. Bearing in mind the ancient patriarchal context in which Proverbs was written, I find this passage to be quite revolutionary for its time.Finally, the family is rightly called in Catholic tradition the “domestic church,” because it is the place where children first learn how to pray and to love (see CCC 1666). Children learn both by word and example. My observations as an educator have taught me that at earlier ages in their development, they absorb much more information through observation than through direct lecturing. I wonder if the simple practice of reciting the eshet hayil (or even a modified version of it) every week in the context of a shared meal might quietly revolutionize Catholic families for the better. I think it would do this by offering room for consistent and (ideally) heartfelt praise of the wife and mother. The phrase eshet hayil literally translates to something like “woman of valor.” The word Hebrew word eshet is the possessive form of the word isha, meaning both “wife,” and “woman.” The word that is often translated as “good,” in verse 10 is the Hebrew word hayil, a word carrying with it the meaning of strength and even military valor (see for example Josh 1:14; Judg 6:12; Ex 15:4).^[3]

 I wonder what it would do to the heart of a woman to hear from her husband in the presence of her children on a weekly basis, “You are strong. You are appreciated. You are seen. You are honored. You are loved.” What would that communicate to the children? I think it could model to them and give them a reference point of deep appreciation for the many invisible sacrifices Mom makes every day. The practice could be modified to include praise and affirmation coming from the children. It could also solidify their understanding of Mom and Dad as being a united front. For young boys, it could model to them how to treat their future romantic interests and partners. For young girls, it could provide a reference of what being truly appreciated in a spousal relationship looks like.     There is immense wisdom for us to glean from the Jewish tradition, both ancient and contemporary. The practice of reciting the eshet hayil, even if modified to meet the context of one’s own family, could do an immense service to the promotion of healthy and holy families.

^[1] Bardan, Channah, The Bride: One Woman’s Walk Through Judaism and Catholicism: The Sabbath, Marriage, Mass, and the World to Come, The Miriam Press, 2017.

^[2] Pope John Paul II, Letter to Women, June 29, 1995.

^[3] Hahn, Scott, Mitch Curtis, Ignatius Study Bible, Word Study: Good Wife, pg. 999.